Welcome to parenting with the pros and cons. I'm Cinzia Filipovski.

And I'm Dr. Molly OShea.

And today we'll be talking about self care for the busy parent. But first, let's do some intros.

Hi there. I'm Dr. Molly. I've been a pediatrician in private practice for almost 30 years. And I have four children who are in their 20s. Now, I've also been a longtime speaker on the speaker circuit talking locally and at the national level about all things parenting and some medical stuff, too. I love talking with parents about all the pros and cons of raising children.

And I'm Cinzia Filipovski, I'm a full time working mom of five year old twin boys. I'm the executive director of two medical practices. And I'm an owner of a medical practice management company. I'm a certified positive parenting educator. And as you can imagine, I am busy, but I am balancing life and like you I am raising my family with all of its pros and cons. So let's dive in. So today we're talking about self care for the busy parent, I know that, you know, having kids could be your lifetime dream. You know, we all dream about having a family and having these great children and you just picture all this all this, you know Happy Happy pictures in your in your mind over the years. And then you finally have your kids and you you know our you love them with all of your being you put all of your time and energy into them. You do everything for them. You're you know, you you run them around to practices, you run them around to school, you make cookies, you're making meals, you're doing everything that you're supposed to do as a parent, and you are miserable. Why are we still miserable? What what is it that we're missing? I know that that is a problem that we're all feeling sometimes. So that's what we want to talk about today. You know, why do we feel burnt out and miserable?Dr Molly?

wow Cinz that strong words. So I don't know that every parent feels miserable. But we have miserable moments. And I do think everybody feels exhausted. I think everything is very, very tired. And I do think real life parenting is always different, just like real boyfriends are different than our imaginary boyfriends and real spouses are different than our imaginary spouses. Real parenting is different than what we pictured it would be. It's not all like happy to happy go lucky crafts, and like cooking cookies in the kitchen. It's a lot of crying and whining, and I don't want to wear that and get your shoes on or I'm gonna just start yelling at you. There's a lot of stuff that goes along with raising kids. And it takes a toll. It also takes a toll because it's a very one way relationship for a very long time. Parents have to give and give and give. And what you get in return. You, you see it, but it's not always truly given. Okay, so your child smiles at you. And sure they give you a hug here and there. But it's not the same as a friend who is you know, giving you compliments or shoring you up with words or, you know, taking you out to lunch or you know, or something that you give yourself so that kind of support is not a two way street when it comes to your children. And as a result as much as you love them. It's an emotional one way street in a lot of ways. And that's part of what makes it so exhausting.

But nobody can make you feel as good as as your child on some days right? They can just melt us to bits and make it all worth it which is why we do it. This is why I was

gonna say no one would have a second child you know, we're if it were all miserable. Don't grants are clearly the joy of all of our lives in so many ways. But if you really were to write it down on paper, and try to explain to someone why they should have kids for the first several years, it's really a losing losing pro con list there and to try to explain the emotional value you get from it. It's very difficult to put into words. You feel it. It exists, but it's hard to to verbalize that.

Although there's definitely some parents some That they live to be needed. So the idea that your child needs you so much in those first years of life is actually the fulfillment that they've been looking for. So I

wanted to talk about that, because I do think there are different parenting personalities, right, and you brought up a good one. And so there are some parents who feel most comfortable and most fulfilled when they are meeting their child's needs as the primary driving force of their life. And those parents. So let me give an example of their three different parenting personalities. There's the parent whose child's needs are always at the center of their universe. There's the parent who views themselves and their children as one part of many parts of the universe. And there's the parent who can put themselves at the, at the center of the universe still taking care of everybody else. So let's imagine a scenario. You're at a wedding, you've brought your child, and or you're at a wedding, your child is crying, the parent who has the child at the focus of their life will be desperately concerned about their child, why is my child crying? What do I need to do? Do I need to bring them a toy, whatever, the person who's concerned about everybody else, as their primary focus will be like, Oh, my gosh, I'm disturbing everyone at this wedding, I need to make sure I get my child out into a cry room or in the hallway or whatever, they'll tend to their child, they'll make sure their child is settled once they're out there, but they need to get the heck out of there. And the most, the one who's more focused on their own needs may say, you know what, this is a wedding. And I'm not sure a child has the right, this is the right place to bring a child, I'm going to get a babysitter. And they'll be comfortable getting a babysitter for their child, and may not bring the child at all. So that gives you a sense of the different types of parents, and different types of parents are going to be more comfortable meeting their own needs. If that makes sense.

It does make sense. I think that, you know, I think there's also some of us, obviously, our bits and pieces of all

of the absolutely yeah, there are overlaps and happy, amazing different scenarios bring out different parts of people. But if you if you really go to your core self, like what is my core self you can find yourself in one of those

Well, and I think, you know, especially depending on how you were raised, what your background was, I come from immigrant parents, and the focus was entirely on everything for their children. And so I think that also our society is built around. If you do not do that, put your children first at the core of everything, then you're not a good parent. And, you know, I think that there's definitely a balance between the two, because we can't put our children in the center of our universe at all times and expect us to do well, you know, as well, that's a

huge shift. Because that shift was not that was not the way of parenting even 2530 years ago. Yes. Yeah. So and I do think, what's, what's interesting is that all parents need to be healthy. We've talked about this, I think in every single podcast, we've done, that a healthy parent is the best parent to raise their children. And so how do we help parents who are really focused on making sure their children's needs are met, and all of these parenting types meet their children's needs, it's just that the parent who's so focused on their children's needs will not stop. So if their child's asleep that night, they might be the one going in and making sure they're breathing, for example, okay? So the monitor, right? So whereas the you know, whereas the parent who is most comfortable will be like awesome, I'm going to sleep now my kids sleep in I can sleep, you know, so how do we help parents who are so child focused, take that time.

So if we're talking about that, we you know, there's plenty of things to do and there's little things bigger things. So that's what today's what we're here to talk about today. One of the things that you can do as simple as just go for a walk outside, get some fresh air, breathe in the fresh air, the change of scenery, you know, nature, if you can get you know, closer to nature, take your child for the walk. If you have to put your child in a in the stroller and start walking. I know that oftentimes that's the time when the child will also be fascinated with what's going on in the world. They'll be so busy looking at everything that they'll finally give you a moment to just brief and so you can feel comfortable that your child's comfortable and you can go for a walk. And I think that helps us in so many ways. One, it definitely can help you clear your mind. And physically, it helps us. So if you're physically helping yourself, then you're going to mentally help yourself as well. So I think that's an important one. Another one that I, you know, I don't know, if you want to. Another one that I think about is, you know, talking to your partner, your co parent, whoever it is that you have helping you raise your child, and talk to them and tell them what your needs are. Maybe it's just at 30 minutes, 60 minutes a week, that you might need to just have a moment to yourself, so maybe you'd like to take baths. So every Thursday night, at five o'clock, you want to take a bath. And so just make an arrangement with someone to be there for your children's needs, while you go time to your own needs. And when it's five o'clock on Thursdays, make sure that you are going to take your bath, bring your glass of wine, your book, your candle, whatever it is that you need to just give yourself that moment and taking that one hour will definitely refuel your, your inner fire, for parenting for yourself. And we'll give you the energy that you need to sustain another week, if you can do it more often great. But really just start with a small stop. If it seems like you can't do more than that.

I love that. I also like the idea of getting your kids to the extent that they're old enough, involved in some of the household chores. So that when they are busy doing other things you are not spending all your time just cleaning up after the kids. And so when they're actually busy doing something, you can take time for yourself and read a book, or look at a magazine or scroll social media, if that's relaxing for you, or listen to me, whatever it is that you might find relaxing for yourself, but you won't feel like, Okay, I've got 20 minutes right now, if they're all busy doing something I have to blank, whatever blank, do the dishes, fold the laundry, whatever it is, because I really think busy parents should try to carve out some time every day if they can for themselves. And one of the strategies that I think can work for at home parents at least, is to build in independent play in your schedule for your kids. So whether it's every day after breakfast, or every day after lunch sometime every day, have your kids independently play and at first, if they're not used to it, it'll take some practice for you. And you will have to just let them be. And they'll learn how to play independently. And while they're playing independently, you can have some time to yourself won't involve a babysitter that way. you don't have to, you know, doesn't incur some new costs. But you have to commit to yourself that for that 20 minutes, you won't clean the house, you won't do the dishes, you won't you know, do the laundry, whatever it is, but you'll spend that time on something that is independent play for you. And it's it's good idea to start that young, you know, when my boys were toddlers just starting to walk and move around, we put up one of those one of those gym fences in the center of the living room. And that kept them contained and safe. And basically we put them in there and we let them just be and you know we did that. And that started this idea of being able to play on your own, as Dr. Molly mentioned just a few times. And now as they're older, we call it alone time or quiet time. And you know, we tell them okay, it's quiet time now everybody Do you know something on your own. So it's something that they get used to. And I think that that is important. It's also important for the child to be able to do something independently, quietly and on their own. I think it's it's it's a benefit for both both sides there. I think something else that you can definitely do is you know if this idea of having 15-20 minutes, it also stems around you know, trying to have a set bedtime for your children and getting them to bed by that bedtime. I know that that has been a lifesaver in our home. In with twins, we had to have a very rigid schedule in that way if we were going to be at all seen in our house when they were babies and that's carried on now. So when bedtime comes they go to bed and that gives us you know about half hour to an hour before. We're so exhausted at the end of the day that we sometimes just pass out. But it just gives us my husband and I time and it gives us time alone whether we want to have a conversation that was not appropriate to have in front of the Children or we just want to be alone with each other. That's that allows that time for that. So I think that's important too.

Yeah, I used to actually I was a morning person, so I would get up a half an hour before the kids. And, and that's I still to this day, even the kids aren't even around anymore. And I still get up early. And I like to do little puzzles, like the crossword puzzle, or there's a game called spelling bee in the New York Times, I like to do these little puzzles. And for me, that is really relaxing. So I like to start my day with that. And then I do a little devotional prayer reading, and I like to start my day with that. And then I feel like, okay, I can do my day. So there are ways to do it, you know, building it in early or building it in late. But taking that time, for me at least was really is very important still, even long after kids have left the house.

Another thing you can do is, is sometimes call a friend, I think sometimes when we're so wrapped up if your children are young, younger aged, that you were so wrapped up in our everyday life, and especially if you work and you're it's work and then the kids the work and the kids and you don't have the opportunity to talk to other adults or friends that know you that you can laugh with that make you feel good. Even if it's for just a few minutes. I know this is something that you know, is difficult to do, and it in our relationships change with our friends when as we have children because of us. So it's a good idea because of having children. So it's a good idea that just maybe 10-15 minutes, even if it's just a week to check in with one of your girlfriends or guy friends that you're close to and that just they know you and they can always just cheer you up and make you feel good. And sometimes that's enough to energize ourselves to make it through another day. I think it's important. will set their own boundaries, or know you and you will too. But I know that at least my kids are almost like phone phobic now, I mean, only one of the kids really, can I just feel freely I can call. But you can text your friends too and say, Hey, I'd love a phone call. When are you free? And you can you can do it that way too. And and I just think you know, you call in if they want to talk they'll pick up the phone And if not, they won't answer. And I just think that that's important. I think that, you know, that's, that's another thing where we're moving away from connections with other people. And that's what we need to I think start to pull back in on and try to get those connections again. So, you know, I think that's important. Something else I think that you you know you can do is just embrace who you are as a parent. You know, if you're not a cook, or a baker, why are you trying to make homemade cookies for your kids to bring the school I mean, it's just silly, right? I kid, there's some great mixes in the grocery stores, there's great taking bakes, they taste just as fine. Kids don't care pack, they're not only made cookies. They're perfect. If you want to feel like you've made it though, I mean, you can just buy it and throw it on the piano and they can help you with it. And you can even you know, join up. But my point is stress out about all these things that really in the end don't really matter so much. You know, yes, they'll remember you as the mom that always brought cookies, but they're not going to know whether or not you made them you know, it doesn't matter. And so I think that that's something that we just have to let go of. If you love making baking, cooking, as I do, I love to cook so Oreos, come up with the recipe. So you know if it's something you enjoy, then that can be an outlet. But if it's not Then why are you trying to do that? It's just right.

I was totally not crafty. I actually do cook, but I was completely not crafty at all. Like don't give me a pipe cleaner or a piece of scissors with paper and asked me to do anything with that get his stuff. But yeah, so and I just embraced it. That's who I was. Teachers got actual cards from the card store and a gift card to somewhere because there was gonna be no homemade crafty something or other No, none. That's fine. It's fine, fine. Whatever they get. Absolutely, absolutely. That was that.

Another thing that I think we have to kind of you know, we want to say is if you need help ask for help. I think that's so important, I think that we are so, you know, trained to kind of do things on our own or not admit when we need help as if it's a failure, or it's a problem. But we all need, we all need help, you know, going back to get connections with people and that idea, we it really does take a village to raise a child. And we've gone away from that in today's society. And it's kind of sad, in my opinion, I think that if we can come together as parents as, as family as friends, and help each other embrace that, maybe as a group of friends, you can all decide, you know, what, we're going to take turns on Friday nights to have date nights, and we're going to ship the kids around to each other's houses, you know, until until everybody has a turn and just keep rotating. That way you don't feel guilty for making you know, someone else take care of your kids, you're also helping them with their children. You know, that's a way or if you have family members, the thing that gets me to is people will offer help, family members will offer help, if you you know about for watching your children, if they offer, take, take advantage of it take advantage of even just a couple hours to get out of the house, go to the grocery store or the mall. You know, God forbid, you feel like a whole independent person away from your family. You know, go get a coffee and sit at the coffee shop. I know, you know, in today's world where you know pandemic world, it's a little different. But you can go to a park bench and sit down and just take in the fresh air or go sit in your car in a parking lot. I mean, that's all that really you just need time alone. Sometimes I just need time where nobody is calling my name, or saying mom or anything you just want quiet. And so if you can ask for help, ask for help and receive it and know that if if if you take in that help, you will reciprocate it you will reciprocate it so there's no need to feel guilty about accepting my help.

Well help comes a lot of forms think that's I think ASCII your immediate community is a great, great source of support and and that should that should be happening, period, we should be getting that sort of help from one another and look at it not even as asking for help but really just being each other's friends and family members and, and all of that that's, you know, I would I really appreciate the way ciencia talked about it because it does I when I was when I was a parent, it I didn't think twice about my brother coming over being with the kids for while I was doing something that you know, it was just that was just the the way things were and and it made for a close relationship. My kids love my brother and it was it's a gift that you know, they gave each other to it was it's a very, very good thing. But I also think help can come in a lot of different formats. I mean, you know, if you're really in a there's there's some literature beginning to emerge. Now after this Coronavirus thing about are you really burnt out from work or you're burned out from parenting because of the whole work from home scenario. And there's so much stress. And because the two are so commingled, it's hard to tell. And I think that trying to discern that, you know, a lot of people are making career shifts and doing that thinking that maybe that's where the stress lies, when in reality, I think you know, working on your parenting on the parenting side could be helpful to try to shift the way you you interact in an in a family system in order to create a more a lighter load at home in a way that could be valuable. So that's where working with with a parenting coach can be valuable talking to your pediatrician could be valuable working with family therapist could be valuable. There are a lot of strategies to just sort of do to think about it in those ways, too.

And I know and we already I already said this, but I think that that's where it's important just to build your community, keep in contact with your community. I think that that's why we are sometimes in the predicaments we're in is because we have come away from this idea of family and friends and community and the village. And I think that if you can create that, you know, it'll just set you it'll just make you so much happier. Another thing that I want to bring up that's important is make sure you get enough sleep. I know that if you don't get enough sleep, it can be just so stressful. And your your your stress levels up, your body is stressed, you're stressed and you're just cranky. And so if you're cranky, and then you add a cranky child on top of it, it's just not a good combination. So I think just making sure That you get to bed regularly and get enough sleep is so very important. It for so many reasons, you know, both physically and mentally.

So yes, so So I think in summary then for self care. First of all, self care does not mean being selfish. And I want to really just clarify that self care means that you understand that you can't fill your children's tank and meet their needs, unless your tank is full itself. So self care can be as simple as finding 10 minutes a day when your kids are in quiet play, to sit down and do something you enjoy. Finding a way to craft that into the schedule might make it even easier. So self care can be finding a way to build in quiet time or independent play into your child's schedule, having a daily walk with your kids outdoors where the focus is on quiet enjoyment of your surroundings, so that you really can have some quiet time. Quiet Time might mean adjusting your family's your schedule so that you're up a little earlier, or your kids are to bed at a really predictable time. So that you definitely have that space and time to have some quiet enjoyment for yourself. It doesn't necessarily mean going to a spa or getting your hair done. But it might feel lucky. Yeah, right, exactly. But it might mean saying every Thursday night at five, I'm going to take a bath with my wine and my candle. And so you know what honey, to your partner, you're in charge of dinner and bed night, in order to build time like that into your routine. Self Care means bringing support around you in the form of family and friends. It means reaching out if you need to, if that if those kinds of supports aren't already there, with their hands out, you might need to call or ask for help. If, if if you don't live or have anybody nearby, it might mean building a network of people through your kids, the parents of your of the kids in your school or other ways through your church. There are lots of ways to find other people that you can begin to connect with. And if you if you need other support, if you feel like I am really at my at my wit's end and I don't know exactly how to make these changes, then reaching out to a parent coach, to your pediatrician, to psychologist to get some balance is a very important strategy, especially if your childhood had its own baggage attached to it that you bring into your own parenting experience. Because sometimes that creates difficulty allowing yourself the space to take care of yourself as an adult. Anything else? ciencia

one last thing I think, you know, if you are someone that has been, I'll say trained to think that any of these things are selfish, that I want to give you permission to be selfish. It's not being selfish. But if it is being selfish, you have permission. be selfish once in a while. It's okay. It's important. So do it. So thanks for listening to this episode of parenting with the pros and cons. If you liked what you listened to, or if you have any ideas or would like us to hit upon any other topics, you can find us at parenting with the pros and cons calm. You can find Dr. Molly at Dr. Molly oshea.com. And, you know, let us know what you'd like to hear. You know, tune in next time when we you know, talk about something else that will hopefully you know give you the permission to take care of yourself and to you know parents with the pros and cons.

Thanks everybody. Talk to you soon.