Hi, everybody, welcome to parenting with the pros and cons. I'm Dr. Molly, and I'm Cinzia Filipovski. And today we're going to be discussing parental guilt, and how to handle it. First, a little bit about us. I'm Dr. Molly. I'm a pediatrician who's been in private practice for about 30 years now, I've raised four kids to adulthood who are in their early 20s. And I spent my life talking to people about parenting issues at the local level, and at the national level for the American Academy of Pediatrics. And I love talking to parents about the pros and cons of parenting.

And I'm Cinzia Filipovski, I'm a full time working mom of five year old twin boys. I'm the executive director of two medical offices and an owner of a medical practice management company. I'm a certified positive parenting educator. And as you can imagine, I am busy, but I am balancing life. And like you, I am raising my family with all of the pros and cons. So let's dive in.

Alright, let's dive in. I know that parenting guilt is a reality for every single person who has ever raised a child, you know, you cannot do everything right all the time. And you hold yourself to standards that no person could ever meet. And not to mention mothers in law. So let's talk about all of the different ways that parenting guilt kind of creeps into to our lives. So Cinzia Why don't you Why don't you start?

I think, you know, one of the biggest things that causes guilt is our expectations. You know, and I think that it's the expectations that we set on ourselves, I think are often the hardest. I know, you know, I've been seeing people talk about this more and more lately, and, and just the expectations we had over this last year, this pandemic year of getting more accomplished for those that were home for long periods of time, or those that are working from home, and not really accomplishing those things, whether it's, you know, losing an extra 10 pounds, or, you know, redoing some room in your house or organizing this or cooking meals. I think that you know, we just feel this guilt, because a lot of us feel like we've had this extra time. And we didn't do anything with it, or at least that's what we that's our perception of it.

I think that's a great point. I think people all of us spent this last year, and we spend every year Frankly, I mean, whether it's a pandemic or not, we we set goals for ourselves, or we set aside these ideas as a parent, especially for what we want to do with our children. And so often, life gets the better of us. And we can't get to a point where we can make those things happen. Rather than look back at the things we have accomplished, and have enjoyed with our families, we look instead at the things that we haven't done. An example I'd like to give for the difference in in the way we look at things is, you plan for a party, whether it's your kid's birthday party, or whether it's a dinner for friends, whatever it's going to be the people who come to the party, they never know what you didn't get done. Right? And their only hope is to enjoy themselves at the party. They're not coming there to judge or assess your whatever it is you and your head have come up with for what that party is supposed to be. And kids are the same way. Right? Kids don't know what you didn't do. They know what you've done. And they're not sitting in judgment of you as a parent about what you have or haven't done or whether you've done it in the most Pinterest perfect way or whatever. Kids are just delighted to be spending time with you. So I think parents sometimes, like you said put themselves in a place where they create issues for themselves.

Yes, I think it's definitely it's our own judgement of ourselves. And so I think definitely we need to take a step back and take a look at that and realize one, you know, is it realistic, these expectations that we have of ourselves? Are they realistic? Would we put those same expectations on our best friend? Would we put that same expectation on our co worker, whatever it might be? And then I think, you know, do we judge other people in the same way? So we really have to take a very close look at that and see how we're judging ourselves because that was a great example Molly. I remember When, you know, we're doing our wedding planning so many years back, and that was the big thing that I remember was getting drilled into my head by other people that if that doesn't happen, no one's gonna know, no one's gonna know. And it's the same idea. We have to let ourselves off the hook. So I think another thing is when we make mistakes, I think that in our society, today, we're living in this world where we can't make mistakes, we can't say the wrong thing, we can't do the wrong thing, because it would cause such an embarrassment or an uproar, or a social status, or whatever it might be. So everyone is just walking on pins and needles with making mistakes. And so I think that that's another area that we are afraid, as parents to make mistakes. I think that goes deeper to and I agree with you in public, it's especially true, because you feel you're not only judging yourself, but you're being judged by others, you know, you're that parent at the playground whose kids having the temper tantrum or whatever it is, what are all the other parents thinking, or yours is the kid at the birthday party who's got his hands in the cake instead of the fork or, you know, whatever the situation might be, you know, or you're the parent of a teenager, and that teenager has now been suspended from school for some problem. And, and you you're as worried about your teen as you are about what the other parents are gonna think. So there are a lot of times when we're parents, when we feel guilty, because we feel like, first of all, what have I done wrong? You know, how have I done something wrong, that is created a scenario in which my child is behaving the way that they are, when in reality, children just behave certain ways because they're kids. And it isn't necessarily a flaw of parenting, which I think is really important to, to discern, even if you were which no parent could be the perfect parent 100% of the time, that doesn't equate to perfectly behaved children in the way you envision them. Because children are not objects that you control. nor are they people who are fully formed emotionally aware and controlled human beings.

We don't try to control them, though, don't we do right? Sometimes the more you control them, the worse.

So I think parental guilt has to also be in a come from that understanding that, that if some of that guilt is being driven by the fact that that behavior makes you feel like you've failed, when that behavior is normal childhood behavior, then a greater understanding of giving yourself grace in parenting is going to be an important step for you as a parent,

I think that's a great point. I also think along the same lines, just as much as we need to forgive ourselves or give ourselves grace, we need to extend that to other parents, we need to ask parents allow other parents, the okay to have forgiveness and not blame them for their own children's same, the same issues that we're talking about. This is again, our society has become a very judgmental society. And parents, I know that even in situations, I know, social media online, I'll see posts about just these tragic things happening to children or to families. And the first thing that people go for is what was the mom? What was the mom doing or what in sometimes it's just out of people's control. And so I think that just as much as we are judging ourselves, we're judging other people. Because otherwise, we wouldn't know to judge ourselves, I think if we didn't have that same false expectation or wrong expectation towards other parents. So I think that the bottom line is our guilt is, it's all from within our own and we are within ourselves, but we're projecting it onto other people as well, almost to make ourselves feel better about ourselves guilt. So I think that it's it's all encompassed together. And I think we need to work on it all as a whole, in order for it to heal so that we can then, you know, not only be happier parents, but more productive parents and that we can enjoy our time with our kids and we can do things that are, you know, worth our time in our minds. Because, you know, that's important. I totally agree. I mean, here I am a pediatrician for goodness sake. I spent my whole life advising parents about how to partner with their With their spouse, with their partner, and how to raise, you know, emotionally healthy kids and do it in a great way, and I am constantly making mistakes myself, I did, you know, raising my own children. And, you know, learning how to let go of those mistakes I made learning how to not beat myself up about them, and recognize that my kids were much more forgiving of me than I was of my own self was a revelation. And I think it's an important step to take as a parent in order to let it go. Because, first of all, it's impossible to do it right. But the idea that when you do it wrong, that somehow you've you're you're on the path to creating whatever your worst case scenario is vision for your child is a catastrophizing way to think about things that is unhelpful, and will just foster that that fear mongering kind of guilt, that is, is really not not going to be healthy for you. Or the children. We, you know, so let's talk a little bit about how do we get rid of this guilt? How can we change this, this, these feelings that we have, and hopefully change the people around us, as well, as we're trying to change, at least to our perception of what's happening? I think we talked about adjusting our expectations already a bit. So I know that that's important. And I think that, you know, as Dr. Molly just pointed out, realizing you're not in control of things all the time, some things are just not in our control. And I think that we need to just recognize that more and more and more. And the other thing I want to want to kind of bring up is I often question who set the standards that we're all trying to live by? who has Who are these experts and Pros?, No offense to Dr. Molly, because I have the utmost respect and love for her, obviously. But who set these expectations? We don't all need to parent in the same exact way. Our households don't need to all be the same. Our children don't all need to behave the same. We know that they're not the same. So why are we all trying to be in this cookie cutter pattern? We have all these parental guidance books and advice books, you've got us with these podcasts, you know, giving advice. And I think my biggest message to all of us, including myself is evaluate each bit of advice and see, is it really worth it to you? Is that really something that will benefit you and your family? Because if it doesn't, or if it's against a core belief of yours (what are your beliefs?) If it's something that's against your inner belief, then why are you trying to meet that expectation? Why are you trying to do that? I see that a lot, I see that it's, it's more than keeping up with the Joneses. It's keeping up with mama and papa Jones in the way that they parent, and I just feel like, we're always going to fail at that, that's not going to happen. Right? Yeah, I think you bring up really a great point, there are several great points in that in what you just said, I think one of the things Cinzia you and I have talked about a lot over the years is know yourself. Be true to who you are as as a parent and as a family, and recognize what is going to be important to you. And in that way, stand strong. There may be things that other families are choosing to do, whether it's you know, do do five sports when your kid is six years old, in order not to, quote miss the opportunity of being on some travel team by the time they're 10. Or whether it's being super involved in in a different kind of activity. For every choice, there is something you trade off. And so you need to as a parent, or you can, as a parent, look at it through that lens, understanding that your child can help drive some of these choices that you make. Your job as a parent isn't to imagine what your child's maximized potential is, and make sure that you give them every opportunity, but instead to build relationship with your child so that as their interests and passions emerge, you can help support those and help them follow those interests and drives all the way to the bank to the end

to go on on their own out. Yes, yeah. Yes. You I think that we've talked about this before, I think, you know, in some of our other podcasts, and I think that you need to be a healthy parent inside and out in order for your children to be healthy. And I think that that's so important, I think that we need to start with ourselves, it's the old, put your oxygen on yourself before anyone else in the airplane. And I think that that just holds true in every aspect of our lives, really. So it's very important to do that.

One of the situations though, where guilt is really hard to let go, is when someone who is very important to you, your spouse, your in laws, your best friend, is triggering that guilt in something that they are saying to you. Whether it's about how you're raising the kids, or how you're feeding the kids, or whether you're having them participate in something or the other. I think that can be really challenging because you love and trust what they have to say you. But on another level you are you and it may not fit with how you are wanting to manage your children. So Cinzia? I don't know, if you've, you know, how might How might you handle a situation like that? Well, I know that I will get rid of that guilt, I guess I know that, you know, our were, you know, working in the in the pediatric world, we have a lot of new parents coming through the doors, and I, for many years have told all the new moms and dads, we've talked, I've talked about this in our you know, meet meet the practice type appointments, I've said to them, you're gonna get all kinds of advice, you're gonna get all kinds of people telling you what's right, what's not right. And some of that's going to be from your in laws, your, your mother, your aunts, uncles, whoever it might be. And I tell everyone, just take it all with a grain of salt, take it in, receive it, listen to it all, hold on to the parts that you agree with, that you and your husband agree to. But as soon as they walk out the door, let all of those opinions walk out the door, your house, your home is what you want it to be, or you should make it what you want it to be. And they don't need to know about it, you don't need to argue about it, you don't need to defend anything, you can just smile except their advice. And when they leave, they have no idea how you're handling it once that door is closed. And so I think that that's important to remember that we can be in charge of our own home. And we should be and you should be on the same page as your husband or your child's other parent, or who your co parenting with your partner. That's who you need to be on the same page with. And I think that that is what's important. So that's kind of how we handle it, I handle it. And I think that that's worked. It's not to say we don't have that parental guilt. It's something that I struggle with myself often. And it's something that I work through. But now at least I have the voice in my head that tries to talk me out of it. Because I know better, just sometimes I fall back into that pattern. So I think that that's important. And the other thing is, I think that we also just need to forgive ourselves, like we talked about and, and sometimes ask for forgiveness if we made a mistake. So if you make a mistake, instead of feeling guilty about it as a parent, just apologize if it's something that you know that you, you might have yelled at your child or you did something that you wish you could take back, just let them know, I'm sorry. You know, mommy shouldn't have said that. Or mommy was upset and she yelled at you by mistake, whatever it might be, because one your child is going to definitely forgive you. But second, it's also teaching them how to ask for forgiveness and how to admit you have made a mistake. So I think, you know, it's important to do those things. And it's also important to prioritize what's important to you and prioritize who's important to you. If it's like I said, your partner and your child, then that's how you can determine how you're going to move forward in your own household. What have you done over the years, Dr. Molly, I think it's tricky sometimes because some types of guilt that arise after you've hurt someone's feelings, let's say, you know, you feel like you lost your shit with your kid and you feel like Well, that was a huge mistake. making amends like you

now they're the busy ones, they have to make talk about asking for forgiveness apologizing is very valuable. There are other times though, when I felt guilty because I wasn't able to be with my child for something. Now as a work life parent there's that a lot of times when I couldn't be present when I wanted to be and that's not an easy fix. I can't Just necessarily rearrange my schedule, and, and be there. And that kind of guilt is is harder to release. So for me, you know time for you. what I've what I done over the years really is, you know carve

Well, now my kids Yes, yes. Yeah. And luckily, out time with my kids so that I can be intentional and focused when I am available to be with them. Not necessarily driving the agenda all the time when I'm we're together, like, you know, they do. I feel like our relationship solid and the kids making it not necessarily doing things that I want to do. But allowing us to have time together and letting them drive, the the time we spend. That do sn't necessarily get rid of the sadness, I feel over having mi sed something But it at least helps me feel like I'm fillin, filling our tanks a little it, a little bit more. And, you now, sometimes for those activ ties or events where I feel th y they really are. Now it's e sier. My kids were are in the r 20s. Now you couldn't just s rt of FaceTime in back when th y were younger and see things ut there are ways now with t chnology that you can partici ate, even if you can't, in ways hat are that are a little bit come over for dinner on Friday nights. And it's great. But I think that's a different kind of guilt that is, you know, an important one to talk about for working parents. Absolutely. And it is a hard thing.

Yeah, it's a hard thing. I think we could do a whole podcast on that. One. It's difficult to be a working parent and

I want to talk a little bit more about briefly is kind of that, that guilt you feel when you you feel like you are when you feel like you've not met, your your child's needs, like whatever that need might be, whether the child is is in an emotionally difficult place, and you can't meet that need, or you are unable to meet that need. And or, like let's say you have a four year old and they are just having tantrums up the wazoo, and you can't seem to figure out what's going on. And you're asking for help, but you're struggling to find it and you feel like you are just failing as a parent and the guilt that surrounds that. And I really do believe that most parents will have a time in their parenting journey, where you have a stumbling block like that, where something comes up, whether it's school related or emotionally related, or, or your child just is in a rough patch, and you feel like I just can't help my child right now my child has to help themself. And that is a very challenging time as a parent, and there's a lot of guilt around it. Because we feel as though our job is to solve children's problems, protect them and make them feel better. And I want to help parents understand that, although we understand that's our mission, there are many times when we need to allow our children, this space to solve their own problems while we hold their hand. And that's the job of a parent too and recognizing that I think it's important and can alleviate some of the guilt around it.

Yeah, that's very important. You know, our job, I always think our job is to just prepare them to be able to do those things themselves, they have to function as adults in this world and be able to handle all those situations. So that's a great point. So in summary, you know, we just want to wrap up and talk about, you know, reminders of taking care of yourself first is very important. Making sure that you are well both inside and out. So that you can then handle all of these different scenarios and situations and challenges of parenting because God knows there's tons of them. And they're all all over the place and all around us. You want to you know, try to change your focus, change your inner voice, so that you are not judging yourself all the time and in turn not judging other parents. Because I think that that will help alleviate your own guilts when we're not so quick to judge others. We want to also honestly take it day by day and enjoy each day. If you had a good day today with your child, you had an extra even if it was just 15 minutes, but it was 15 minutes where you really enjoyed each other's time you laughed you hug Do you really connect it? just celebrate that and you'll put it in the bank. Yeah, you know that's important. Don't compare yourself to other parents, like, you know, again, just not comparing yourself because there's no comparison. You know, I heard someone say, you know, we make the mistake of comparing ourselves to other people will never live up to that, because we are all so unique. And so God made us in that way. So we should be only comparing to ourselves to yesterday's self, and trying to get better. So I think that's important. And last, you know, connect, solve it, remember to love yourself and forgive yourself. And, you know, and that's, that's the best we can do. It's definitely a struggle, I don't think it's something that we can just, you know, ask Dr. Molly for some magic pill to get rid of, because it doesn't exist. It's something that we have to work on every day.

Well, I would like to add one more thing, and that is that our children are not a project. Don't Don't be looking for kind of an outcome. And if you can, instead, look at your children, and in the format of a relationship, like you look at your spouse or your best friend, it'll, it'll really change the lens through which you see things. And you won't necessarily attach as many perfectionistic or optimum outcomes, sort of labels and expectations to things. Because how your child quote unquote turns out that isn't necessarily the way to think about your child. Because so much of that is determined by your child. Your job is to support and love and, you know, instill values and morals and give your child the tools to be the best version of him or herself.

Well, that sums up the you know, our take on guilt and how to deal with it. Dr. Molly, why don't you tell everyone how to find us?

Well, if you like what you heard today, keep listening to our podcast, which you can find on parenting with the pros and cons. You can follow me on Instagram at Dr. Molly OShea. Or you can find me on my website DrMollyOShea.com Cinzia How about you for Thank you for

listening to this episode and tune in next time as we explore another conversation and remember that parenting supposed to be fun. And don't be so hard on yourself. All right, we'll talk to you next time. See you later. Thank you. Bye bye.