Hi, and welcome to parenting with the pros and cons. I'm Cinzia Filipovski. And I'm Dr. Molly OShea. And today we'll be discussing how to get your teenagers to communicate. But first, let's start with some introductions. I'm Cinzia Filipovski. And I'm a certified positive discipline educator. I am a full time working mom of five to twin 5 year old boys. And like you, I'm still just trying to figure this out. So together, I know we can. So let's do it. Molly, and

I'm Dr. Molly. I'm a pediatrician, I've been in practice for about 30 years, I'm also been an editor for the American Academy of Pediatrics, I've raised four kids to adulthood. And I've had to be with teenagers a lot in the exam room and at home. And we do have some great strategies to talk through today about how to get your teenager to talk to you. First, I'm going to talk through a little scenario. Any of you who have teenagers, this is going to sound very familiar to you. Your teenager comes home from school, and you say, hey, great to see you How was your day, and they say, Fine, and then they go up to their room and they close the door. And you pretty much don't see them until dinner time. When they come out for dinner. If they come out for dinner, you have dinner together and you say, Tell me what was the best part of your day. And they say nothing, or it was all boring. And that's about all you get at dinnertime, you might ask them? What are your friends doing? What are you and your friends doing this weekend? And they'll say, Mom, we don't even know yet. It's only Thursday. And then off, they go to their room again, and you don't see them until the next day. It's frustrating. As a parent, we've all been there. You want to know what your kid is feeling? what they're up to what they're thinking. And yet, they have no interest in sharing any of that with you. So what do you do? I mean, how do you get your kids to talk to you at this age, it can be really, really tough. I know ciencia you've got a nephew who you've had a pretty good relationship with. And you've had some turbulent times. Yeah. So turbulent and sad. Yeah. Talk a little bit about that. And then we'll get into some, what strategies have you found that have helped you get him to do well I

can, I can just really relate with the frustration, you know, it's so frustrating when you are trying your best to just, you know, be in a cheery mood, first of all, teenagers are cranky. And so that's really frustrating and hard to deal with. And just, you know, trying to be in a good mood and do positive things. And in my situation, I don't live with the teenager, but the teenager sometimes comes and stays with us at in our home. And they they to me are like toddlers and a lot of ways they still act out, they still want the attention. And I think they just don't know how to communicate that to you as the adult. So I'm still working through this still, you know, in those prime teenage years, still got a lot of I don't know as as answers. But what I have found to really work for me has been just stop and listen, and try to not give much as far as advice, if you will. I just try to listen, listen, listen. And it's really hard because I have had some moments of reacting. And it's it hasn't been pretty. I'll admit that and it's taken some time and effort to move past that. So I know Dr. Molly, you've got a lot of advice to give us on this what what do you think is good advice for parents in these situations?

Well, I think first parents need to remember that teenagers are supposed to be separating from you. And and that's the key part of the job of adolescence. Teenagers are supposed to be becoming individuals separating from the family. And that's the primary job of adolescence. In order to do that they need to separate in whole all kinds of ways. They need to separate emotionally, they need to separate in their ideation like the way they think and, and though and as a result, like if you are politically on one end of the spectrum, your teenager may experiment and be politically at the other end of the spectrum. religiously the same kinds of things you can see happening because kids need to try to figure out who they are and who they are, is often, at first at least an experiment in the opposite or a very different reflection on who the family is becoming Kids are trying to figure out who they are. So separating from the family since that is or separating from parents is the biggest job of adolescence, it's very hard then for kids, because they've got this push pull, they know they need their parents, they know they need their parents support, they know they want their parents love. And yet they need to find their own way in the world. So that push pull creates conflict within them. And that conflict within them out pours out into conflict within that relationship. So sometimes the teenager becomes quiet, because they don't want that conflict to spill over into the relationship. So a quiet teenager is often a teenager who's trying to avoid conflict in that relationship. So one way parents can try to bridge that relationship is to, like Cinzia, beautifully said is listen. So as you begin to see your, your teenager, trying on new, new aspects of themselves, whether it's in the way they dress, or in the way they kind of swagger, or in the way they wear their hair, it's important to be careful in the way you talk about those things. And talk about it from a point of curiosity as opposed to from a from a point of judgment. And that's challenging as a parent. And here's how it can sound right. So you can say what's going on with your hair? Or you can say, Wow, your hair looks really cool. What are you doing differently? And those two statements really send a very different set of messages to your child, one invites conversation, and the other shuts it down. So as parents, I think it's going to be important to be careful about how we say things I remember this time my my oldest child came home, they were they were maybe 18 or 19. At the time, they came home on Mother's Day with a nose ring. Yes, folks, a nose ring, you know, the kind that goes like in the septum of your nose, the middle part? And I was flabbergasted. It was just I'm thinking it's Mother's Day, for God's sake, could you have picked any other day to do this? And yet, I just said, Wow, that is really interesting. What does it feel like? How do you blow your nose? You know, I approached it from a point of curiosity. And it's made it makes all the difference. So that's one tool in the toolkit is to approach your your teenagers way of trying out new things with curiosity, not judgment, and you will open up lines of communication.

So how do we still how do we still get teenagers to do things? You know, we want let's talk about that a bit. I know we want to get them to communicate, we want to be able to have them open up and Dr. Molly has given us some great points of being non judgmental. I agree with that. That's so hard. I have failed at that myself. It's it's hard to reel back words. But we can just start over again. That's that's my, my biggest thing is we you know, the next day or the next time is a new a new time. But how do we get teenagers to do things that we need them to do? So, you know, a nose ring, as Dr. Molly pointed out, we can we can smile and hope to god that they might change their mind with that nose ring. But what if it's just household things? They're a pig, you know, they're a pig in their room and you want them to clean it up? You know, what are some things we can do with that? You know, something that I know works. And you know, Dr. Molly will definitely give us some more ideas. I think that keeping it short and sweet is really another way to work with teenagers. Don't lecture don't give long explanations and big conversations, just one or two words works. Dish sink. I know I've said that a lot of times and it gets the point across and they walk back get their dish it might be begrudgingly but they'll do it and then they'll walk back to the sink. And sometimes I feel like that's a victory that we just have to take. Dr. Molly anything yeah.

I think that for teenagers especially, I think there is a difference between public areas of the house and their private space. Teenagers are really protective of their private space. And I think as parents, they're one way to, to pick your battles, you know, as we all have to do is to allow the, their private space to be theirs. And I would discourage parents from invading their teenagers private space, and demanding things in that space. In public spaces of the house, it's different. And I do think that, you know, just being kind of disrespectful of the whole family's, space is a different story. And I agree that consistency is super important, and making sure that your teenager understands and remembers the rules all along, you know, and as long as you've had those things in place all along, you will be more apt to get compliance with them. And then if you just sort of Institute them at those teenage years, I think that I would, I would encourage parents to, uh, by the time kids are in Early Middle School, they should be responsible for their own laundry, so that you are no longer having battles over the clothes on the floor, or the dirty laundry or whatever. And that way, when they run out of clothes, they'll do their laundry. And if they're on the floor, or they're wrinkled, whatever, it's up to them, you are out of the equation, you can just shut the door, you don't have to think about it, it's not on your radar, they have to be they're also in charge of their bedsheets, their bed, clothing, all of that. And that way, you don't have to necessarily, it may, it may grind your gears, but it doesn't necessarily have to fall on your plate to be responsible for. Because I think what happens is parents of teenagers invite conflict by having all of these things remain on the list of things to micromanage. And teenagers look for opportunities to create reasons to push parents away. So when teenagers are pushing their parents away, it's in part because needs aren't being met in that relationship, whatever those needs are on the teenager side. And so when parents see their kids being very angry at them all the time, and in you know, inviting that kind of verbal conflict, defiant words or disrespectful disrespectful words, it is in part because though that teen doesn't feel they're being heard. There, they aren't being heard. And so the only way they feel they can be heard, is to do so with defiance, to do so with disrespect. And that should be eye opening for parents. You know, if that's the way your teenagers communicating with you, it's time to think, Wow, how can I listen to my child differently, and invite conversation. If your teenager comes to you late at night, and wants to talk, do not turn that child away. Don't say you know what, I'm really tired. I can't have this conversation right now. You just have that cup of coffee. And you listen. Because I think teenagers want to talk at odd hours because that's they might be the car ride, it might be a little places. But whatever it is, you have to take advantage of that. I want to revisit the the private and public spaces in the home. I completely agree with what Dr. Molly saying. But I do differ a little bit in, I do think that we should be setting standards for what we want in our home. But you need to start those earlier on in life. So if you've been a home that has been just really relaxed about how, let's say housekeeping has been done, then you can't expect a 16 year old to suddenly keep their room tidy. It's just not going to happen. But if you start earlier in life, I do think that you can set an expectation. And I do agree with giving teenagers privacy, because I think that that is a huge thing that teenagers need is privacy. We have to remember what we were like as teenagers, we have to remember that our parents didn't understand anything. They just didn't understand regardless of what you know, what might have been the reality. And so they do need some time. I think they need that time to figure things out. They need that time to talk to their friends. They need that time to think they need that time to just try to figure things out. But I do think that, you know if we start those things earlier in life, you know, making beds or not making beds or picking your clothes up off the ground or Not having food in your room or whatever it might be, if you set a few rules throughout their lives, then I think that it is not unreasonable to still expect that as teenagers. But as Dr. Molly pointed out, if you're having a, like just a blowout fight over something, then it is time for you to stop back. And that's actually what personally happened to me with this said teenager, relative of mine that I adore and love. But we had a full blowout and it took me a minute in it stunned me and it made me stop in my tracks. And realize, I can't have this discussion right now with with him, because I'm just making it worse. So and I think that it's great, right, and I think that's a great tool in the toolkit to is you is to take a moment away. So if you feel like, you know, a situation is getting out of hand emotionally, for yourself, or your teen, it is perfectly okay to say you know what, I need a break. I'm going to come back in 10 minutes, and we're going to talk again, but I do think it's very important to give that kid a timeframe, whether it's 10 minutes or a half hour or tomorrow or whenever, so that they don't feel like they're being just set aside. And, but I think it is a great idea when you feel like I am no longer in control of my own feelings right

now. I am just sort of blowing my stack that I need a Timeout. Timeout. That's right. I think it's first of all, it's great role modeling. And second of all, you know, you

can come back and say, Wow, I'm sorry, I got a little bit off the rails there. And I want to come back and revisit this because I love you. And I want to have a relationship with you. So I do want to talk about other ways parents can open conversations with their kids, so doesn't always get to a point where you're, you know, off the rails are having this, you know, intense conflict. Sometimes it's a very passive relationship, right? It's just the kids kind of grunting and you know, giving those one word answers and right, you know, how do you get that kid to, to open up to you. And I think that can be very, very challenging. And for some, sometimes humor is a great way to to break the ice with kids. So whether it's doing something goofy together, wet, like, you know, some goofy Tik Tok dance, and then they'll say, You are so crazy, what are you doing, you are not even on Tik tok, you k ow, or something like that. Or w ether it's watching something t gether, if you can get your k d to watch something together w th you that's funny or h morous, that can break down b rriers, create connection and w ys that then can open up c nversation,

as well share an experience I think is very important to share this, because I think that if you're honest, and you're opening up, they'll see that and that'll probe them to become more open and honest with you. So I think that that's that's something as well,

one share your mistakes. Yeah, you know, I think they're also super, like afraid to share their their mishaps. And so, I mean, Lord knows, I made a ton of mistakes when I was a teenager and young adult and so sharing those to your kids. Yeah, well, that's a good thing for me to do. So sharing those with your kid, you know, and say, Oh, you will not believe the funny story I have to tell you about my junior year in high school, something like that can be a way to also give them a more realistic idea of you. But also a realistic idea of the fact that you are approachable to share some of these things the other thing that I think is important to point out too, if you do have those moments, or when you have those moments when your teenager suddenly starts opening up or talking and whatever time of day or night that might be just listen, and don't offer advice. And that's difficult. It's God knows that's been something that I've had to really learn. And I still try to learn it every day. Don't give advice. And if there's listen and then ask, you know, is there anything else you want to add to that? Is there anything else you want to say? ask permission to give advice. Would you like to know what I think? Would you like to know what I might recommend or anything in those ways? Because sometimes they don't want to hear anything. Sometimes we don't we just want to vent, and that's what they're doing. But if they're willing and sometimes they will, you know, be they are opening up and sometimes they do want advice. So then they'll say okay, and they might say it in a way that's begrudging in a Negative, you know, negative, verbal, you know, words, they're saying in a negative way, but they really are looking for some advice maybe at the end, but you want to make sure and hear them out. Because sometimes what they've started off telling you might really not have anything to do with what they end up really wanting to talk about. So I think that that's important. They're kind of testing us. Back to that they're like toddlers, because they're testing us again, to see Can I trust them to hear me out and listen to me and be open? I love that. Yeah, I can't, I can't, I think that that is one of the most important take home messages of this, of this session, is that when your teen talks to you, shut up, shut up, and let them talk, please, please, please don't offer strategies, don't offer solutions. don't offer advice. Just listen, the more you can be just lips tight and ears open, the more they will talk to you. And the more as Cinzia said, the more you ask permission, before giving strategies, solutions or advice, the better. Because just like when you're talking to your spouse, and you're just venting, and they start giving you, you know, advice, and you're like

unwanted advice, I do not want that. I just want it because you don't know what you're talking about where they are, you don't

call your girlfriend, because your girlfriend will listen to you, you know, the same way your teenager is looking for a sounding board. We have to trust they know themselves and their life. They're the expert on what happened in their little in their world. And so we need to kind of hear that out.

So yeah, and by doing that, they also begin to understand that we do trust them. You know, and, and by, you know, also as they talk through it, saying things like, wow, that really took courage, or that, you know, that sounds like it was a really tough situation reflecting back on without judgment or without, I mean, in the sense of not giving advice, but just reflecting back on that experience. And saying things that reinforce their strength that reinforce their decision making reinforce their emotional resilience, I think will encourage them to continue to come to you with their concerns or their feelings in the long run.

And don't forget to always end with I love you, and I accept you or I accept you know, whatever your words are to your child to show them that you accept them no matter what. And I think that in the end, that's really all they want from us. And that's what will open them up more. So I think that's important. Because, you know, teenagers are afraid to let us in because they think that we're going to judge or that they're not living up to what we want them to be. So when they can feel confident in that they will begin to open up more. Yeah, so so so summarize. Yeah. So summing up. Yes. One would be use little words. And allow your teenager to communicate to you know, whenever they want to open up, whether it's day or night, and don't turn them away. Allow that communication to happen, whether it's in the car or in your bedroom at midnight, the night before you have to wake up at five in the morning. It's important, they've come to you let them talk. Don't judge. Don't give advice without asking for permission to give advice. And also, you know, again, just reiterate love and affection to your child. And if you're having difficulties with your child communicating, have some fun with your teenager, allow them opportunities just to be a teenager and have fun with their parents. If you are having having difficulties in them listening to you use again, little words, we need to be quiet and let allow them to talk. And the other tools Dr. Molly that you want to add to that as a summary. I think you summed it up pretty well got it. Yeah, I think we got it just like that. We've got it figured out. No, the only real practice, right? Yes, that's right. We have to actually do it so we can make it sound easy, but it is tough. And just know that you're not alone. And every parent experiences this and in the end, you're going to have a great adults that you have helped become, you know, positively in the world. You're molding them. Your help. Then become the adult that will do great things in the world. So that's, that's all for our session today. So Dr. Molly, tell everyone how they can get ahold of you. Yeah, so you can reach me You can either follow me on Instagram at dr. D o c t o rMolly OShea. Or you c n find me on my website, which i Dr. Molly OShea.com, and I'm on Facebook as well as you can find us at parenting with the pros and cons.com. Thank you for joining us today. And if you can let us know any other topics that you'd be interested in hearing about or that any comments or suggestions that you have, we'd love to hear them. Great. Thanks for listening to this session of parenting with the pros and cons. Talk to you next time. I'm Dr. Molly

and I'm Cin ia Filipovski take ca