Hi there, and welcome to parenting with the pros and cons. I'm Dr. Molly. And I'm Cinzia Filipovski. And today we're going to be discussing how to not lose your shit when your kids are driving you crazy. But before we begin, I want to tell you a little bit about us. I'm Dr. Molly. I'm a pediatrician. I've been in practice for over 30 years, and I've raised four kids to adulthood. It's been a real challenge at times. And it's been a great journey as well. I've also been a journal editor for the American Academy of Pediatrics. And I've spoken both nationally and at the local level on all sorts of topics, a lot of parenting ones.

I'm Cinzia Filipovski, I'm a certified positive discipline educator, I work full time and own my own businesses. And meanwhile, I'm a mother of twin boys that have just turned five years old. So I am in the trenches of parenting with the rest of you. And I'm just here to hopefully provide some, some ideas and gain some along the way.

Sounds good. Alright, so we hope through this podcast, through all the different topics that we talked about, to give you the pros and cons of a variety of parenting struggles, and approaches to solving them. So let's dive in our first topic, which is how to not lose your shit when your kids are driving you crazy? Is that how happen often have all done it? That's so ciencia, you've got a little scenario that you, I'm sure experienced yourself, and why don't you? Why don't you paint the picture for us.

So this year, as we've all i'm sure experienced, those of us that are working, we've had to do a lot of meetings and other things from home, or working from home a lot of times. So one big scenario that can often cause us to lose our shit is when we ask our you know, ask the kids to leave us alone or be quiet for a certain amount of time for us to take that important call, or to do that important over the internet project or whatever it might be working in your office. And they just don't leave you alone. It's just one more thing or mommy mommy or they're constantly barging at the door, or as my boys do, they they're starting to fight to gain attention. So they're kind of trying to just get you to come out the door, because they know you're in there. And that's the way to get you out. So I know I've experienced this this year, and I'm sure other people have we just, you know, you just are at your wits and you're trying to do so many different things and the stresses of everything that's going on. And so get y'all You know, I'm

sure you've been guilty of basically turning off the camera, putting yourself on mute, opening that door and let them have it. That's

absolutely, I've done a few of the put it on mute and grit through my teeth as well. I've done that a few times, without even turning the camera off. But, and there's been other times depending on who's on the call with with you or someone else where I've said, Hold on, I need to go take care of something and when right and Rob, you know, knowing that I'm about to lose it. So right, I think this is a this is something that's very common this year. And it's something that we've all been through. And it's it's tough, it's just tough. I think that, you know, the kids just want our attention. And we are doing our best to juggle attention with the kids work, and just, you know, house, the home, taking care of everything in the meanwhile, and there's no real break. Because we're not ever leaving. I know that during this past year, there were stretches of time where it was probably 48 hours before I left the house or, you know, the very beginning of this whole thing. There was days, it was a you know, long time before we left our home. So it really is, you know, aside from running outside and screaming, sometimes. I know I felt like doing that. So here we're here today to kind of try to maybe talk through the scenario and give some ideas of how to how to do it. How to how to help your kids give you that time that you right need.

Right. I think that's that's so important because the kids are frustrated too. I mean, it isn't just us as adults who are frustrated by this whole situation. The kids are super frustrated. They are sick and tired of being told, you know, Daddy's gotta take a meeting again, or mommy's got to be at her computer all day today again, because it's, it's challenging for them, they see you and they want to be with you. They want you to you know, whatever it is whether it's go outdoors or whether it's do a craft or whether it's, you know, whatever they want to be with you and

they want to be watched. They want us to watch them play. I mean, right sometimes that's all I just watched I watched me,

you know, right. And so to be constantly diverted, you know, and being told I can't do that right now really does grind their gears too. So it's frustration on both sides. And of course, as kids, their natural inclination is to first try whatever the good strategies are to get your attention. Like they might color a picture and say, oh, look what I did, you know, in order to get your attention. But when that fails over and over, they begin to turn to negative behaviors in order to get your attention. And so meeting after meeting after meeting, you know, when when they really can't get your undivided attention, and yet, you're right there. It's, it's really, really tough. So Cinzia, what what strategies Did you try? I mean, when, besides the yelling, actually does work often in the short term, so let's not in the short term,

it does, but I feel like they raise their they raise their bar, so that you're, you're getting more and more upside each time. So you don't want that to happen. Well, then one

of this doesn't work in the long run, you know, I feel guilty, I feel guilt worse, I feel bad. It's not, it's not a good strategy, because nobody feels good when it's done. No.

And the other strategy I don't want to do is we're not a home that shoves our kids in front of the TV all day long. I know that some people do that. And I understand that I really do I understand that that is a solution. We've chosen not to do that in our home. And it's difficult because we do still try to limit their TV. So because that's not an option, we have to get really kind of creative in what we have our kids do. I know one of the things that works for us is we talked to them ahead of time, I talked to them ahead of time, that, you know, let's say I have a meeting coming up at nine o'clock, they're up in the morning, I make sure to try to spend breakfast with them, talk to them, and let them know what is happening in my work life, what's about to happen, and mommy has a meeting coming up and it's, it's going to be a little bit longer of a meeting or it's going to be a short one, or mommy has two meetings coming, I kind of give them a breakdown of what's going to happen so that they have an idea. And meanwhile, I make sure that I'm spending that one on one time for at least 10 or 15 minutes. Because I do feel like 10-15 minutes kind of gives them a little bit of fuel in their tank, if you will, to allow you to step away for an hour or so. And I have found that that strategy helps, you know, to give them the heads up, my kids are five, like I mentioned. So at that age, I feel like you know four up, they really do respond to understanding what the schedule is going to be. They thrive in their own schedule. So knowing what a change in that schedule is going to be, I think gives them some sort of gives them some power. And so they understand what's about to happen, it's not a surprise.

So that's a great first step, you know, it's called, I call it time in or fill your tank, you know, where you give those kids who are that age kind of three to seven, that really intense attention before you have to break away and spend time apart, letting them direct the play or the engagement, whatever it is that you're doing together. And that can be super powerful, so that they understand that you're going to you want to be with them too. And and your and your circumstances prevent it, but that you value that time together and you give it to them. For some older kids, you know, who are used to being in school and used to seeing kind of on the blackboard or on a you have something in the classroom sort of the schedule for the day, writing it out, can be really useful for those kids. And you can put the time of day or you can put after breakfast this or after lunch that and be sure to put in not just your meetings, or your schedule stuff, but put in the time that you're going to be with them as well. And so this will be playtime with parents or you know, Dad time with the kids so that they can look forward to it color coded if you if you need to, for kids who are early readers and may not really know exactly what different colors mean. But they'll know the red stuff is the matings and the green stuff is the good stuff. So if you color code it they'll know what to look for. And that can be a really useful strategy so that they know they don't have to wait that much longer. If they see that lunch is coming up soon or, you know that kind of thing. And that's a great strategy for slightly older kids who are early readers or school aged kids who are used to that sort of routine in their classrooms. So old again, of course teenagers are happy to have you gone for the day. They're like check out you know, we're seeing your mom.

They don't care what you're doing or where you're at back. There, there is like, love it when you're working. Exactly. And I think that, you know, that school aged child, they're excited to kind of have a schedule, they're excited to see it. So it's kind of a, it gives some purpose to their day to So, you know, keeping a routine schedule in their meal times are there other things that doesn't change helps them adjust when these other things pop up, too. So I think that that's important. And as Dr. Molly pointed out, putting it into a schedule is is absolutely great, because you can go over it with them every day. And I let them know, Oh, go ahead. Sorry. Okay. And the last thing I was gonna say was, I let them know what the fun things are going to be after mommy's done, you know, after mommy's done, this is the cue that I'll be done, you know, I'll tell them either after lunch or whatever it might be. And we'll do a, b and c together. And that kind of gives them something to look forward to. And they're excited about it. And it's an exceptionally long day, for me, and they're kind of what I'll call bored. Because there's not much excitement going on in their, their part of the world, then I try to save something that they really enjoy doing. So that that is something that I can, you know, kind of let them know. And then they're excited about that. And I and I talked to them, and let them know that you know what the expectation for them is, while I'm doing what I need to do, so that way they can, you know, they can do their job while I'm doing mine. So I think that gives them purpose.

That's great. I really like that chance. And so kids, some parents fall into the trap of, you know, once the bad behavior begins, they start to bribe their kids and say, you know, if you're quiet for the rest of the meeting, you'll get a reward of some type. And I really encourage parents, rather than getting to the bribe stage, instead, do a reward ahead of time. And anticipating that meeting, knowing that especially you know, with kids of certain ages, as you really just talked about, say that, you know, it's gonna be a long meeting, I know, it's gonna be hard for both of us. So if you can, let me have this meeting, and, and you guys can play independently during this time, or be quiet or whatever words you want to use, but be really specific. Because just say play quietly is kind of vague for kids. So if you can say if you can use your indoor voices, and you can play with your toys in the living room, and whatever be very specific, say, when we're done, you're going to get an extra book tonight at bedtime, you know, and I'm very, very specific. And then but you have to follow through. So if the kids aren't able to who you know, do their part of it, then when bedtime comes, you'll need to say, ah, boy, I'm really sorry that we're only gonna have two books tonight, it could have been three. But tomorrow, I'm sure you'll earn that third book, and I doing that you you, you know, incentivize their behavior a little bit. And instead of bribing them once the bad behaviors began, because that incentivizes the bad behavior, right? I can, whew, I'm gonna be bad. And then once I change my behavior, I'll get something good for it, you can incentivize good behavior, right from the start.

And it is important to follow through and you will get some arguing you'll get some pleading, you'll get even some crying sometimes when they don't get what they thought that they would be Stein whether or not they fulfilled their part of the deal. And that's kind of how I talked to them too. Well, next time, I know. And I say things that are in the positive instead of the negative next time, I know you're going to be able to do it. Now you know, what is expected. And I know next time you're going to do it, and next time, you'll get the three books, or to kind of tag on to that. The other thing that I like to do is I like to give them a choice. You know, after this day, you know, if we do if you let mommy do her meeting all day, and you play in the den, you can decide what we what we do later, you can decide if we go outside and do this or you weak if you want to stay inside and play a game or whatever it might be the choices that you're going to provide. And I feel like again, that gives them power to make a decision. And so if we can give them those choices, when they don't have choice in you going to work in the home. It allows them to feel empowered. And so I do believe that once they feel that empowerment, that confidence that they have some power in the day, they're going to cooperate with you more. But at the end of the day, like Dr. Molly mentioned, if they didn't do their part of the bargain, that you have to stick with it and you can't give in. Yeah, that's like kind of true. He'll learn there learn fast. You know, one time, one day of not getting what they thought they were gonna get. I bet you tomorrow they're gonna do what they need. need to do to get it and it works every time. And the more consistent you are, the more that they know that you mean business and they will do it the first time. But if they know that they can convince you and plead with you, and cry until you give in, then anything you ask them to do is kind of a wash, it's just not going to happen. Because they modify me I have heard phrases as a parent was, Hey,

this is not a negotiation. So you know, behavior happened, you know, you guys made your job earlier today. So we're not this is not a negotiation now. And that I think that you know, just standing tall as a parent and understanding that you've given your kids choices all day long, and they make choices. And that's fine. We all make choices. But the more we can stand firm, and let our kids learn natural consequences of the choices they make all day long, the more prepared they're going to be for real life, because real life doesn't give you 1000s of Mulligan's and second chances and ninth chances at all, you know, whatever. So I agree completely with you Cinzia on that. But let's shift gears a little bit because, you know, sometimes doing are you what we're talking about here is the perfect parent, the parent who just Oh, yes, I'm going to do all these beautiful things, and my kids are just going to really just take it on and be the perfect children. But you know what, that's not what happens how to life is. So sometimes, sometimes all those goes awry. And we have a terrible day with our kids, and we still lose our shed. So let's talk through how do we how do we recover from that? How do we, how do we go on from there? So you're you're really in the trenches right now. So on that day, when, despite all your good efforts, it's still a rough day. How do you suffer from that?

Well, one of the things that I tried to do, I think that I tried to think about what was the cause of losing my shit, like, truly, it wasn't really what my kid did. It could be I mean, that can trigger it, but that's a trigger. So what's causing it and most of the time, it's my stress level, my ability to really see what the kids are trying to do. You know, as we said earlier, oftentimes, it's just all about attention seeking, or for them to remain in control. So you can see their strategies, you can see what they're trying to do, whether it's positive or negative. So if we step back as parents and just see that and understand it, we really can't, we can understand that our losing our shit, really, it doesn't have much to do with them. It's really about our stress. And so one of the things that I think it's really important for us as parents to do, especially during this time, is to figure out what do we need, even if it's just five or 10 minutes, at the end of the night, whatever it is that you enjoy, some people like to take a bath, some people want a glass of wine, some people just want to read a book, whatever it might be, you know, I have, as of late, started watching some Tik tok, you know, it just makes me laugh. So that's my, that's my relief. So I like to laugh at people stick dots. And, and that just gives me you know, even if it's just for five or 10 minutes at the end of the night, so it's just important to to refill our own tanks. Because the next day, we have to do it all over again.

And so it's important to say to your kids, you know what, I made a mistake, yelling at you over this was not a good move. And you know what, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, I should have been cooler headed about this. And although you were driving me crazy, and I think it's fair to just tell your kids, you know, what, you were driving me crazy. I really should have been calmer about this. And it was, you know, and talk them through it, talk them through your feelings, role model, that kind of behavior, so that when they're feeling at times overwhelmed, or stressed out or whatever, and they lose their shit, which will happen way more often right now, because they're still kids, they'll have a language for talking through their own emotional, overblown kind of'mistakes' and, and they'll understand that when they do make mistakes, that you're open to hearing that and won't be judgmental. That it's okay, good.

It's Okay to lose your shit once in a while we're humans from and I think that that's the reality. And I know that, you know, Dr. Molly and I, we've talked about this over the years, we've, you know, I grew up in a loud home, you know, and for the other people I know Dr. Molly's home was different. So when we're loud or we're being upset, it was, you know, normal in my world. So other people might see that differently I want my kids to be able to realize this is normal, people aren't always mad, you can be upset, you can yell, you can be upset. And that's okay, we get over it. And we still love each other, I remind them that I love them. And that, you know, even after I discipline them, or I yell at them, I always just tell them, I love them and remind them of that, because I do think that they need to hear that as well. And know that sometimes, and I think apologizing is important in that in when you know that you did something that you shouldn't have done as far as yelling, if you really lost your shit, and you really, you know, took it to another level. Then once you're calmed down, and you think about it, you can you can go over and apologize for that. And just let them know, as she says, Dr. Molly's said, you know, just say, I really didn't mean to do that I lost it. And they can understand that that everybody does it, even their parents do it. Wow. It's okay. You know, it's okay. And we'll still be loved, we'll still be accepted. And we'll still be Okay, the next day. And as I like to say, each, each day, a new new start. Thank goodness, yeah, thank goodness we get by over the next day. Yeah,

And I know a lot of parents are, you know, walk around with a lot of worry or, or a sense of, you know, kind of burden or, or guilt or whatever they feel like they have to do everything right every day, you know, whether it's from, you know, choosing the right toys, to reading the right books, to feeding their child to, you know, every little decision needs, carries a lot of weight. And so, when they make a mistake, which we make, I make 1000s of mistakes all the time. I mean, it's just the truth of it, we can't walk through this world without making mistakes all the time. So I think we also need to be gentler with ourselves, and forgive ourselves too. So in addition to for, you know, going to the kids and saying, whoo, that was a doozy. And boy, I really wish I had kept it together for you, we also need to let it go ourselves. Because that sometimes could be a really difficult thing to do as a parent, and we hold on to it for days and days. And it just grows inside us. And we feel like oh my god, I blew up at the kids. And that was horrible. And, you know, it eats away at us inside. And it ruins or take some takes really takes away from our confidence as parents, but it also takes away from our day to day interaction with our kids. And, you know, there is no quick fix for for, you know, taking away that sense of guilt or that sense of being, you know, overtaken by that. But I really want I love what you said Cinzia when you said each day is a new beginning. And I think if we can, as parents wake up each day, and realize that yesterday is gone, our kids don't carry the burden, the baggage, the memories, they're not they look at us each day, and they love us. They're like, Oh, they're done. So we need to give ourselves that same grace and come to each day with that same excitement, and not carry that burden.

And we can strive for it, right, we try to come to each day, you know, the point is to try to strive for forgiving yourself, you know, we all carry the guilt, even if we, you know, think about it and understand how little of a mistake we might have made, it still carries a lot of guilt. Because we know each day, how you know, we we want to do the best for our children. That's a natural feeling, we all feel it. But if we can just try to, you know, lessen our guilt a bit. That is a victory, I think, you know, with each day because it allows us to start the next day over. And it allows them to see, you know what, you know, making a mistake doesn't scar you for the rest of your life. It doesn't change you in any way you get to start over the next day. And it also allows them to forgive you in that they've already forgotten that. So they will forgive you. And they won't even remember it unless, you know unless you make a big deal out of it, I think. So I think that's important. It's a very important point.

Alright, so we're going to sum up today about you know, things that you can do to help remember how to not lose your shit when your kids are driving you crazy. Number one is kind of give them some time in or fill their tank before you start your meeting or your time away from them so that they have, you know, some sort of sense that they can do it on their own. Number two set expectations. Give them a sense of what you're We're going to be doing that day or for that time period, we gave you some strategies for how to do that, whether that's given them a verbal set of things or a written set of expectations for the day. Number three, is to not give a bribe, but to give an anticipated reward. So that when you are starting off being away from your kids, they can have an idea of what they might earn with good behavior. Number four, be very consistent. Make sure that whatever it is that you're doing, that you follow through, and make sure that you don't undermine your parenting by being wishy washy or giving in when you said you were going to hold somebody to something. Number four, is make sure that you apologize when you do lose your shit. And it was more of above and beyond just the the normal thing. Kids need to know that you make mistakes, too. And number five, forgive yourself. You are not going to be the perfect parent. And that's just fine. So you are perfect to your child. Yeah, absolutely. Your kid thinks you are awesome. And you are awesome. So forgive yourself. So ciencia where can folks tune in to learn more about us?

Well, you can check out our website, which is www.parenting with the pros and cons.com. Great, that's where our content's going to live. I also have a website which is Dr. Molly at Dr. odo my email. I have a website. Right I have a website, Dr. Molly OShea.com where I have blog posts and parent coaching information as well. And you can follow me on Instagram at Dr. (doctor) Molly OShea. We've loved connecting with you today. We hope you'll tune into our next episode of parenting with the pros and cons. Thanks everybody. Take care. Happy parenting.